The World Turned Upside Down Read online

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  Lith. Emrik & Binger, Haarlem.]

  _THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN._

  BY E. C. CLAYTON.

  LONDON: DEAN & SON, 160A, FLEET STREET, E.C., PUBLISHERS AND CHRISTMAS CARD MANUFACTURERS.

  THE FOOLISH COAT.

  THE Coat was in a downright rage.

  "To be beaten, and caned, and cuffed, and shaken, two or three timesa-day," cried he, whisking his tails about like an angry lion, "I sayit's a shame."

  "If you were not well thrashed," said the Cane, "you'd soon get thickwith dust, and _then_ I'd like to know how you'd look."

  "So _I_ say," remarked the Hat.

  "It's all very well for you to talk, Mr. Cane," said the Coat, stillmore in a rage. "Nobody ever hits you, and if they did, you could hitback. And as for you, Mr. Hat, nobody ever thinks of punching you,except in fun. You have a nice soft brush all to yourself."

  "Well, are you not brushed as well?" asked the Hat.

  "I don't mind being brushed," said the Coat, "but the next time Mr.Valet comes along, and hits me, I'll--I'll--" then he growled somethingto himself, whisked his tails, and added, "_See_ if I don't."

  In came the Valet, and bustled about. The Coat eyed him, and when hecame close, caught him up with _such_ a clutch.

  "Hallo, hallo, hallo!" cried the Valet. "What are you doing?"

  But the Coat hung the Valet on a nail, and snatched up the Cane.

  "Now, look here, Mister Valet," said he. "I'm not going to be dusted andbeaten and thumped. I'm just going to show you what it feels like,Mister Valet."

  "What are you talking about, you stupid old Coat?" said the Valet.

  "I'll let you see," said the Coat, flourishing the Cane.

  The Cane could not help himself, for he was thin.

  Thump, thump, thump, went the Coat, blowing out such clouds and cloudsof dust from the Valet's clothes, never remembering he was coveringhimself with dust, and making himself look shockingly shabby. The Valetcalled out as loud as he could for help, but nobody heard him, and theCoat kept on thumping till his sleeves fairly ached. Then he dropped theCane, fell on the dirty floor, and whisked his tails with greatsatisfaction.

  The Cane jumped up, and lifted down the Valet, who went off to his ownroom.

  A few days after, the master came in, and looked at the Coat, which hehad meant to wear at a jolly garden party.

  "Oh," said he, "how dreadfully shabby that Coat looks."

  "Yes, sir," said the Valet, "he won't allow himself to be brushed ordusted."

  "Oh, won't he?" said the Master, "that's all very fine, but it won't dofor me." So he seized the Cane, and gave the Coat one good thump. Butsuch a cloud of dust came out of the Coat that the Master threw down theCane, and ran to the door.

  "Oh," cried he, "I can't wear that frightful old thing any more. It isdisgracefully shabby and dusty. Sell it to the first 'ole clo'' man thatcomes along." But he took the Hat, and went to the nice party.

  And what do you think became of this foolish Coat? Why, he was hung on astick in a field to make a scare-crow. And serve him right, a stupidthing.

  ALF AND THE PARROT.

  The old Poll Parrot was in a rage; He bounced and spluttered about in his cage.

  The reason he felt so much displeased Was because young Alf had worried and teased.

  He pecked, and bobbed, and knocked with his beak, Too much enraged to be able to speak.

  To tease him was a scandalous shame: Alf was a bad boy, and much to blame.

  "I tell you, young Alf," at last Poll said, "If you don't leave off, I'll snap off your head.

  "You think you're allowed to tease a bird. Now, that idea's extremely absurd.

  "One thing, young Alf, is certain and sure-- Your worry and bother no more I'll endure.

  "Another thing, Alf, is also clear: I mean to walk out, and lock you in here."

  Poor Alfy screamed and bawled with rage When Poll marched out, and put _him_ in the cage!

  Cried Alf, "I think this horrible bird Is going to be as good as his word."

  Laughed old Poll, as he perched on a chair, "You thought to punish you I'd never dare.

  "You may bawl or howl, or scream and rage-- I'm going to lock the door of the cage!"

  Alfy did cry out--Oh! didn't he shout, When he found the Parrot would not let him out!

  Said Poll, "My dear boy, it's now _our_ turn; The world's upside down, as you have to learn."

  So Alf was forced to make up his mind In the cage of the Parrot to be confined.

  THE CLEVER HARE.

  "TO be hunted, and trapped, and watched for by night, and--and--I don'tknow what, is most abominable!" said the Hare.

  Some dogs had frightened him, and he had run--run like a hare, in fact,and then sat down upon his form to think. The dogs had not stood uponceremony, so he didn't choose to stand upon forms, but sat downcomfortably.

  He twitched his ears, and scratched his wig, and thought.

  "And I won't put up with it--_there_," said he, aloud. "It's onlycowardice putting up with things. I'll get some fellows to help me, andwe'll hunt the dogs."

  At that moment he heard a sound.

  "Wow! bow, wow, wow!" barked some dog, a little way off.

  The Hare jumped up again, and flew off as quick as his legs would carryhim. After running some distance, he sat down again, but this time hefound neither forms nor ceremonies.

  But he found something that was better. A gun and a sportsman's bag werelying near, and he eyed them.

  "I wonder if that gun would go off if I touched it!" he said to himself.

  He walked round and round it, and then cautiously pawed it. No: itdidn't seem to have the least idea of going off.

  Then he lifted it up, and grew quite bold.

  "I wonder if I could shoot anything?" thought he.

  He aimed at a bird, and brought it down.

  "Bravo, bravo, bravo!" cried he. "I'll take this gun, and then ifanybody tries to torment or to catch me, I'll--I'll kill them."

  He hung the bag round his waist, and put the gun on his shoulder, thenwalked off to his home. On the way, a boy ran at him, and cried "Bo!"but he just pointed the gun, and the boy ran away.

  The Hare lived all by himself, but he was very comfortable. Nobody couldbother him, and he would have been quite content only for the men andthe dogs.

  Every day he practised with his gun till he got to be very skilful.

  "Just let them come along And they shall all soon see, That they're all in the wrong To plague and bother me.

  Although I'm but a hare, I think I'm very smart, And can--let them beware-- Right well take my own part."

  So he sang, as he sat one day polishing up his gun.

  As he was busily at work, he heard a noise, and cocked his ear. Tramp,tramp, tramp, came along some one--a man. It was a poacher, who said tohimself he was going to catch a fine fat Hare. The man cast an eyeround, but the Hare hid, and watched.

  Then the man stole nearer, and peeped round a tree.

  "Aha!" said the Hare. "You want to catch me, and eat me, don't you? ButI am going to catch you, and boil you for my supper."

  The man only laughed, for it was preposterous the idea of a Harecatching a man, instead of a man catching a hare.

  And the Hare just cocked his gun, put it to his shoulder, and fired.Then he did kill the poacher, and took him home, and stewed him withmushrooms for supper.

  THE STRONG MAN AND THE INVALID
/>   "WHERE'S the good of going on grumble, grumble, grumble, all the daylong?" said the strong Man to the Invalid. "Why, you get petted and haveextra nice things to eat, beautiful bunches of grapes, and boiledchickens, and I don't know what."

  "If you were _me_, you would not talk like that," said the Invalid, in apoor sick weak voice. "I'd eat dry bread, and never ask to be petted atall if I were strong, like you."

  The Strong Man laughed, as if he didn't believe the Invalid.

  "I have to work hard all day, and nobody seems to care a bit whether I'mtired or not," said he. "But if you only have a finger ache, everybodyis running about trying to find something to do you good. And they comeand read to you, and bring you flowers, and--and--"

  "You just take my place for a day or two, and see how you'd like it,"said the Invalid.

  "Um--well, I shouldn't like to be ill, you know," said the Strong Man."I shouldn't like to lie in bed, nor have the doctor coming to see me,because he'd give me nasty stuff to take."

  "I'll be your doctor," said the Invalid. "But you must lie in bed. Come,take my place."

  The Strong Man was ashamed to refuse.

  "Well, now you are comfortable, I suppose," said the Invalid, tuckinghim in. "You must try to doze a little."

  Lith. Emrik & Binger, Haarlem.]

  "But I'm not sleepy," said the Strong Man.

  "You'll soon be tired, and go to sleep," said the Invalid. "I'm goingaway, but shall be back in an hour or two."

  When he went away, the place seemed dreadfully dull. Not a sound was tobe heard except the barking of a dog in a farm-yard near, and the cluckcluck of some hens.

  "Dear, dear," said the Strong Man, "this is very tiresome."

  Presently an old lady looked in.

  "Poor dear, poor dear," said she, "I will read a nice book to you."

  So she sat down and read out of a book. But the Strong Man didn't careabout the book, and he thought the old lady stupid.

  Then she went away, and by-and-by, a kind old gentleman came in withsome chicken, and a glass of wine, and some beautiful white bread.

  "Here," said he, "Take this, it will do you good."

  But the Strong Man didn't feel hungry, and he was tired and cross bythis time, so he wouldn't have any of it. Then some more people came in,and talked to him, and told him the Invalid had gone to see the reapers,and tried to be kind to him. Then at last everybody stole away ontiptoe, and left him alone.

  Then the Invalid came back. But by that time the Strong Man had hadquite enough of being shut up in a sick room, so he jumped up, and ranto the door.

  "I see you are not much to be envied," said he to the Invalid. "I don'tthink I shall ever envy anybody again so long as I have health andstrength."

  THE KITE'S LITTLE GAME

  THE Kite laughed and chuckled to himself until his paper fairlycrackled.

  "We shall have such a game," said he to his paper Tails.

  "We mostly do," squeaked the Tails.

  There were eighteen of them, and they were all very frisky.

  The Kite first winked one eye, then the other, then winked bothtogether.

  I'm afraid he was rather a vulgar sort of a Kite, but he was very jolly.His eyes were inclined to be goggly, yellow round the outside, with redin the middle. He was not a particularly good-looking Kite--in fact, hewas really ugly--but he was very funny, and loved a joke.

  The string suddenly wakened up out of a nap, hearing talk going on, "Eh,what's that?" said he.

  "Don't know," said the Tails.

  The Kite laughed again, and shook his round ears, and showed all histeeth in one wide grin. "We'll have a game this afternoon," said he,once more.

  "Oh," said the String. "We mostly do."

  The Kite stuck up his pointed chin, and shook his red paper beard. "Imean a different sort of game to what _you_ mean," said he. "You mean,we have a game when young Walter takes us out. But I don't mean _that_."

  "Then what _do_ you mean?" said the String, who didn't care aboutguessing.

  "When he takes us out, we have to go where _he_ likes, and fly when hechooses us to fly," said the Kite. "Now _I_ mean, we'll fly youngWalter."

  "Eh?" said the String.

  The String was rather sleepy-headed, and didn't take in new ideas veryquickly. He was so astonished now that he unrolled himself severalyards, and wriggled about round the Kite, to look at him, as if he mustbe out of his mind.

  "Eh?" said all the Tails, after a flutter of surprise. But they thoughtit was a joke, and that the Kite only meant to be funny. The Kitestraightened himself, and looked very important. "When I say a thing, Imean it," said he, in a dignified manner.

  "Well, but--" said one Tail, timidly.

  "_Well_, but what?" snapped the Kite. "You don't know what you'retalking about. I say we'll fly--"

  At that minute up came Walter. He took hold of the Kite, and was windingup the String, when the Kite said--

  "Master Walter, let's fly _you_ to day!"

  Walter stared and laughed.

  "You couldn't," said he. "You're only made of paper."

  "Let us try," said the Kite.

  "I mustn't go far, then," said Walter, "because my mother would wonderwhere I was."

  So the String was tied about Walter, and up he flew. It was very jolly,and he flew here and there like a bird. The Kite and the String weredelighted, and the Tails kept on a chatter, chatter, chatter, likeeighteen little magpies all in a row. But the Kite found it hard workafter a time. He had to mind the string, and watch lest Walter shouldtumble down, and keep on doing this and doing that, instead ofpleasantly fluttering about. He got cross and grumpy at last. "I thinkthe old way's the best," said he. "Next time I'll go up. Old ways arebest, after all."

  THE BIRDS AND THE FISHES.

  I think you will own That it is very rare To see fishes and frogs Sail about in the air,

  While the birds and the poultry Are swimming about Like so many mackerel Or pikes, sprats, or trout,

  In old times, the fishes, And birds, were content To remain all their lives In their _own_ element.

  Things are different now: They have changed the old times, Turned the world topsy-turvy, With no reasons or rhymes.

  But I think you'll agree It is simply absurd For a fish to pretend He is just like a bird.

  But for birds to be fishes Is really as bad: One would fancy they all Had surely gone mad.

  For fishes cold water, For birds a warm nest, Of all places, truly, Is _the_ very best.

  Lith. Emrik & Binger, Haarlem.]

  THE WONDERFUL SHOW.

  ONE fine summer's afternoon, the Lion went trotting home in high goodhumour. As he went along, he kept muttering and grinning to himself, asif mightily pleased. When he got home, he banged at the door of his denwith his tail. A Lion's tail is very strong and hard, you know, strongerand harder than any bell rope. The Lioness, his wife, was out at theback, combing out the manes of her young Lions, but presently she cameand opened the door.

  "My dear," cried the Lion, "_such_ a piece of news!"

  "Oh, indeed?" said the Lioness. "Have you found some travellers to eat?"

  "Better than _that_," said the Lion, all a-glow, rubbing his paws.

  "Oh, in-_deed_," said the Lioness, smiling. "Then it must be very goodindeed."

  "Yes," said the Lion. "Just guess, my love."

  "How _can_ I guess? I never was good at guessing. Besides, you couldtell me quicker than I could guess," said the Lion's wife.

  "How clever you are," said the Lion, putting his tawny head on one side,and looking admiringly at his queen. "Perhaps telling _is_ the quickestway after all. Well--" Then he stopped, as if to tantalize.

  "Well--what? How tiresome you are," said the Lioness.

  "They have brought a cageful of humans to the town, and all the Beastsand all the Birds are going to see the show."

  "_What!_" cried the Lioness, so astonished that she could hardly believeh
er ears.

  The Lion skipped right round the parlour three times, snapping hisclaws like castanets. "Yes," said he, gleefully, "they used to lock _us_up, and let people pay to see us, and call us Wild Beasts, andCarnivora, and all sorts of ugly names. But times are changed. I wonderhow they'll like it? We'll take our little beasts of children to see theshow."

  "You _shouldn't_ call the little ducks Beasts," said the Lioness. "Iwonder you don't call them a parcel of Cubs."

  "Well, they _are_ Beasts and Cubs, ain't they?" said the Lion.

  "Well, never mind, I won't have them spoken of like that," said hiswife. "When will you take me and the darling pets to see this wonderfulshow?"

  "Come now," said the Lion, jingling his money in the purse he carried inthe end of his tail.

  "Oh, I'm not dressed," said the Lioness.

  "You never are," said the Lion.

  "That's true," said his wife. "Well, here! children! come along and seethe Tame Humans."

  The young cubs came rolling in, all tumbling over one another, likejolly little brutes as they were, and set up a wild roar of delight athearing they were going out for the day. When they got half way, theLion suddenly stopped and considered.

  "I think," said he, "as we are going to change places with the humans,we ought to have all the fine things they used to have, so we'll buysome clothes."